What is resentment and how can you avoid it?

Do the conflicts in your relationships feel repetitive? Have you felt bitter towards a certain person in your life? The feeling of being angry at your partner for no specific reason? 

Could it be resentment that you hold within? 

What is resentment?

In the word “resent,” “re” means again and “sent” means to feel. Resentment is re-experiencing negative moments from the past that hurt you. It is a cocktail of anger, shame, mistrust, fear and sadness. 

Anger is a direct attack of another person. Resentment is more defensive—it is an indirect attack of someone else. Anger is more intense and short-lived, while resentment is less intense and lasts longer. 

Resentment leads to a constant state of bitter distrust in your partner. As time passes, it becomes harder to let it go.

What causes resentment?

Unlike anger, which is caused by a recent occurrence or present situation, resentment is caused by weeks, months or even years of experiencing unfair treatment and not being recognized for one’s efforts. The fear that forgiveness may mean letting go of their personal boundaries may hold us in a state of resentment.

1. Unfair treatment 

Resentment is caused when a person thinks they have been treated unfairly. Whether they were or were not treated unfairly is irrelevant: The feeling of being treated unfairly is enough for resentment to come into being. There is always a story behind why a person feels they’ve been mistreated—it is important not to invalidate it.

2. Not being praised or appreciated 

Another reason for resentment to arise in an individual is when they feel entitled to attention, praise or appreciation that they feel they have not received. Again, whether they deserve appreciation is irrelevant. Simply feeling that they have not received enough appreciation can lead to resentment. 

Why is resentment harboured? 

Resentment is a passive aggressive response to threat. It is a method of avoidance and a way to avoid being direct. 

People hold onto resentment because it gives them a feeling of control. It allows them to feel less vulnerable and avoid the feeling that is beneath the anger. It is an avoidance of responsibility and allows a person to stay in the role of victim. 

It allows a person to feel “right” and inflict guilt upon another person. 

What are signs of resentment?

• Conflicts feeling repetitive
• Small things triggering you
• Interpreting negative intent
• Constantly pointing out flaws
• Being easily irritated 
• Provoking irrational arguments
• Not feeling heard
• Withholding affection
  

How do you deal with resentment?

1. True forgiveness, not cheap forgiveness 

If resentment is present, it means there is something you are not accepting or have not let go of. Forgiveness is the most powerful method of defusing anger and resentment. There is a difference between true forgiveness and cheap forgiveness. 

Cheap forgiveness may actually fuel resentment. It is instantaneous and is usually because of a desire to avoid conflict. In cheap forgiveness, people hold the same perception and do not release resentment. 

True forgiveness takes time and hard work. To achieve this, examine the experience, your emotions and your internal response. When you come to a state of true forgiveness, you release resentment in a healthy way and have a shift in perception.

It is a choice that you make that does not come from the reactivity of your ego. When you have truly forgiven, you let go of the idea of a perfect human or the idea of a different past. True forgiveness is acceptance and letting go.

2. Choose not to punish

Accept that you cannot change the past. It is common for people to mentally punish their partners for past sins. Choose NOT to do this. By punishing your partner, you are not changing anything about the past and may only add tension to your relationship moving forward. Choose acceptance and discuss how you would like things to change moving forward instead. 

3. Honesty

To undo resentment, it is important to ask yourself where it is coming from. If there are recurring arguments, identify a key theme that triggers you in those arguments and reflect on where your feelings are coming from. A psychotherapist can help you work through these emotions.

How do you prevent resentment?

1. Direct communication

Eliminate your passive aggression by directly expressing how you feel and describing the changes you wish to see. To prevent resentment from arising, remember to maintain an open line of communication. Letting go of your ego and being as honest as possible will make your relationship work for you—even if it feels cheesy. 

2. Weekly meetings 

Try having meetings every one or two weeks with your partner where you discuss the relationship, your experiences and your emotions. This allows you to check in on everyone’s emotions and ensure that no negative emotions are kept inside. This will help set the momentum for a nurturing environment where all parties feel loved, heard and desired.

3. Hit the reset button

The reset button is a simple intention where both parties agree to forgive and accept all the past occurrences in the relationship and start fresh, leaving prejudices behind. This can help you let go of any burdens or resentment from the past. 

Your relationship is not over. No matter how young or old you are, you can rejuvenate your experience by becoming more aware of your feelings and choosing your relationship over the need to be “right” or “in control.”

Featured graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.