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I Sent a Vulgar Voice Note About a Woman to *Her*… Instead of My Buddy. What Now?
Welcome to AskMen’s latest column, Dating Coach, a monthly exploration of the difficulties guys face when it comes to modern dating. We’ve got a real, actual dating coach in Connell Barrett walking guys like you through everything from the most basic of the basics to the most pro of the pro tips.
The Question:
I just had a great first date. I was so excited that I recorded an audio message for my trainer that said, “Bro, her boobs are ridiculous. I just want to nom, nom, nom on them, like a toddler.” But I accidentally sent it to her! I’m mortified. How do I apologize and not lose her?
—Vexed by Voice Note
The Answer:
You know how you can unsend a text message? Well, Apple should really add a “reclaim your dignity” button to the iPhone.
But sometimes a goof turns into a gift.
I was once on a sushi date with Laura, a witty, stylish blonde. After excusing myself to the men’s room, I returned to what I thought was our booth, slid in, and said, “I’m back, hotness”… only to realize the baffled blonde across from me was not my date. My face turned red as her burly boyfriend appeared, his look screaming, “WTF?”
Meanwhile, Laura, at our actual table, gleefully watched this disaster movie unfold. “You’re as smooth as sandpaper,” she said with a laugh as I slunk back to the right booth.
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To my surprise, my screw-up didn’t sink me. “It made me more into you,” Laura later confessed. “The way you owned it and laughed it off was so impressive.” We dated for several months.
Vexed (and any guys reading this who are going to end up making similar mistakes in the future), your embarrassing voice note isn’t the issue. How you handle it is everything. Here’s your 3-step game plan to salvage things.
1: Remember: It’s Not the Mistake, It’s the Recovery
Your audio note didn’t say anything vulgar. Now, you did home in on her body (more on that in a second), but you were just making guy talk and expressing your physical attraction for her. That’s OK.
Women don’t judge men for having sexual desire. They judge men based on how that desire is expressed. Yours came off as dorky — almost innocent. I mean, nom, nom, nom? You sounded less like a creep and more like Cookie Monster let loose in a bakery.
2: Own It With Humor, Then Shut Up
Don’t grovel. Just own the mistake with good humor. A man who can laugh at himself and take responsibility is attractive to women.
Send her a self-effacing, lighthearted message. Important: Mention that you like her for more than her body. Being attracted to someone is fine. Reducing a person to their physical parts is not. So write something like this:
“Well, that was meant for my trainer, not for you. I’m embarrassed! I’m sorry for the screw-up. Yes, I’m attracted to you, but I also know there’s much more to you than just your body. I hope you’re still up for date #2. I promise: No more voice memos of me making baby talk.”
Then, stop. Don’t follow up with, “Did you get my text?” Don’t send a PowerPoint explaining yourself. Send one message and see how, or if, she replies.
3: Cheer Up… This Could Actually Help
Hear me out. Your accidental audio shows that you’re genuinely into her. You’re not trying to seem mysterious or feign indifference, two ploys that women hate.
I never teach my clients to pretend to be mysterious. My first rule of showing romantic interest is clarity. Let her know you like her. And brother, she knows!
Dumb dating mistakes like this, that are awkward, real and human, often create more sparks than straining to be perfect.
Once at Whole Foods, I approached a woman in the produce section, and I knocked over an entire pyramid of oranges.
We both cracked up at my klutziness, and she later told me, “That moment made me want to go out with you. It was like something out of a rom-com.”
If a woman likes you, she won’t ghost you over a small blunder. She may even find it charming.
The men who succeed in dating aren’t the guys who never make mistakes. They’re the guys who handle messy, human moments with honesty and a steady hand.
If the two of you end up together, this will become a story you’ll both laugh about for years. And if you don’t see her again, it won’t be because of the voice note… it will be because the two of you aren’t a match.
That might sting, but you’ll be fine. And hey, at least you didn’t send it to your mother.
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